woah_its_kevin

hmmm. practice= difficult, then less difficult, then even less difficult, then pretty easy, then easy and then the next aspect of self that is aching to evolve presents itself and the whole thing starts again. "Where" am "I"? hahaha. brutal. This has not been easy. I have so much to say, but I'm going to go ahead and give myself a break here and not be so serious about it all. Maybe the question I want to be asking is actually, Who am I? Who am I? Am I these failures- these mistakes that I have made? Am I my successes? What is success anyway? To me success is happiness...I can't be happiness can I? So I'm not happiness, I'm not sadness, I'm not depression, I'm not hate, I'm not any of the things that I feel. I'm not any of the things that I think. I am not my sensations because I can observe my sensations. I am doing the feeling. I am doing the seeing. I am doing the thinking. I am doing the sensing. All of these things are what the real I is doing, but none of them define that real I. So Who am I? these difficult feelings that I am experiencing are not my True Face.

well, I don't think lonely is the right word. It's just something I want. I want to be able to cuddle and kiss on a regular basis. I want to start anew and open up completely. I want to be alone and together. I love being able to feel a body pressed up against mine and I don't get to experience it as much as I'd like to. I don't like worrying about how you feel about me. I'd love to sit with you, or you or you or you and talk about existence for hours and hours. I love how Annie isn't judgmental at all. If only she were 30 years younger and not involved with someone haha. I'm so glad she's in my life. I'm so tired of cycling round and round. That is the only samsara I'm aware of. Is it so difficult to "escape?" It's not that serious. I wish that girl would have called me, but I know it would be in my best interest not to get discouraged by that. It is possible that she is busy with school, or that she just thought it was weird since she doesn't know me at all haha.

I am so "lucky" to have the friends that I have. I say "lucky" because I don't know how much luck had to do with it. But either way, I am so grateful for them. Can I feel grateful for my self? I know I feel grateful for my Self, but what about my self? Still working on removing those barriers.

I think I can do it. I think I will be able to move out in january and it will work out wonderfully.

I feel like a complete failure. very harsh, i know. It's not true. I am most definitely not a failure. However, I do fail sometimes. I guess I just feel like there were many more failures this semester. Maybe that is good. Maybe that means I'm taking more risks than I would have in the past...

sometimes I feel like I will be crushed under the weight of living. It's all so complex it makes my head spin! But then I let go and let myself spin along with my head and then nothing is spinning, it is only fun!

I really do have feelings for you. And I always have really... maybe except for senior year because I was just too numb to notice them. But I don't really want to interrupt what you have. I guess I do want to tell you and I'll just see how that affects our relationship. The risks we take....

I'll let go of my desire to fight the spinning and then maybe I'll have some fun! hmmm, it's all so interesting.

I am thankful for everything you have done for me, whether you are aware of it or not. every single one of you. namaste.

changing, changing...letting the barriers fall when they are ready. letting him work his crazy magic. letting myself. releasing. how serious is all of this? who am I? silence and then laughter.

living with an illness is difficult. I feel like it was very appropriate for me to read this book right now. I mean, it's not nearly as bad as cancer, but it still gives me an idea of how she had to live. When I am sick for this long I have to turn each day into a routine. I decided not too long ago that I didn't really enjoy following routines that much, so I haven't been really. I just do whatever I want whenever I want to. But when I'm feeling ill like this for so long I have to turn my days into routines so that I make sure I am doing all I can to get better. It is a difficult balance! The doing and the being. These two things are always in so much conflict. Most of the world is now obsessed with doing and being has taken a back seat...hints the "patriarchal" societies that make up the world.

I like what Ken Wilber said about all of that gender stuff. A lot of post-modernists wouldn't agree though. It's difficult for me because I love post-modernists so much! Most of the people I know whose center of psychic gravity is somewhere around post-modern are so awesome and occasionally show hints of integral thought...It makes it so difficult because not too long ago I was them. I would get so angry about the atrocities that are taking place in the world and I just couldn't detach myself from that and see what is actually going on here. I get worked up when I tell them what I see and they just can't see it. I feel my ego flaring up...it's going "argue argue argue! show them you are right!" But I know better. So I take deep breaths, wait until I am calm and then I respond, "well, we'll just have to wait and see." You hate so much the society that fostered/fosters your life! You only see the negative things that our society brings and you don't see any of the positive. You really don't see how it is a necessary step. But that's totally understandable. Like I said, I was them. I used to be there.

Anyway, I am so used to "doing" and it comes so much easier to me since I am a male. It has really become a disadvantage. But also, for me, it has given me a great advantage! But only because I became aware of that "doing" attitude. That "I must be 'successful'!" attitude. That "I must do something that will change the world" attitude. Life is not all about "doing," if I overemphasize the "doing" aspects of my life then I will become caught up in that "doing" and I will not be able to appreciate the ridiculously incredible experience that is each moment. So we come back to "being." "Maybe I don't have to make huge changes in the world...maybe just being and loving each moment can change the world in a more subtle way." Femininity is generally much more subtle than masculinity. Masculinity tends to be much more aggressive in terms of trying to "do" as much as possible. Sometimes with disastrous results. But femininity is much more mysterious! It subtly influences so many things in the world...very interesting.

Living while feeling physically ill really accentuates the importance of the balance between being and doing. I have to create these routines of "doing" so that I make sure I am doing all I can to get well. But! At the same time I detach myself from the illness. I realize it is at least mostly a physical illness and therefore there is no need to identify with it. So I continue to live my life as fully as I can without any effort. It is that effortless effort or that passionate equanimity that Treya was talking about... Just being. So I learn to feel great gratitude for each moment that I get to live, even if I feel miserable physically. This balance between "being" and "doing" is pretty difficult to maintain. Maybe...I don't know maybe it isn't that difficult. It was at first, but I think I am getting better and better at it. Because "it" is really nothing haha. When we really get in touch with Spirit we realize that it has been there all along and that really no effort is needed to Witness that. It is only pure, unobstructed awareness. just being. But I still do, because humans do have desires. When they talk about getting rid of desire they don't really mean completely. They know that's not possible, well most of them. They're just talking about the distorted desires. Those desires that cannot possibly be. To stop discomfort for example. To stay with someone you love when they don't want to be with you anymore. Those types of things. Those desires are completely ego driven and they are unrealistic for the most part. But my desire to feel well physically is not unrealistic. And even those teachers who talk about letting go of desire would tell me to do what I can to get well!

I'm kind of rambling now... Time to experience the death of a loved one.

I would like some company, but I still feel so sick... I would like to write my papers, but I still feel so sick...haha. I'll write them tomorrow and sunday. I'm glad I got to see dale again today. It went very well. I will not run away from my anxiety. If it is then it is. I am pretty delirious and full of sinus pressure, aww yeaaahhhh. It's been pretty funny. I'm not so good humored at the moment, but that's completely understandable. What will this next moment bring??? sweet sweet air into my lungs, perhaps hehe. I'm going to rest and see if I feel like going out tonight...

Time, I have so much of it.

I think my perception of time has changed...and is probably usually changing.

I felt worse today than any other day I can remember during this particular sinus infection. That's probably good haha. I think I might have felt worse the first week, but I don't really remember so there's no way to find out. I'm on antibiotics now...I think I should have asked for Biaxin because the one I'm taking now isn't that strong and sometimes it doesn't work (like last time). But, since I felt like this sinus infection hasn't been as bad as most of my other ones I figured that Augmentin would work fine. Now that I am feeling worse I have changed my mind haha. Who knows?! Maybe it will work. I don't feel too bad, but then again I don't know what "too bad" means really.

Again with the teaching me patience! It is. I'm gettin' prettyyyy tired. It sucks when I take advil PM or some other thing that's supposed to help me sleep and then I can't sleep and I just lie there for hours extremely sleepy, but my sinuses just won't let me sleep or something. It happens. I'm going to go read and it's going to be tiggghhhtt.

goodnight

ahhhhh! wait that's not right...how do I spell *sigh*, but one of those good sighs? One of those sighs that is full of...whatever it is...haha I'm not sure. I wanted to say full of relief but I'm not so sure about that. Maybe full of Life. When I feel very alive then I sigh like that. It's like a deep satisfaction sigh. One of those...

I'm still sick to some degree. Yesterday I thought I had more energy than I did so I played drums and then I felt sooo exhaused after for the rest of the day...did I say that in my last entry? meh. So I guess I'm sick to the degree where I can do small things, but I can't shred on drums for too long haha.

I would like to go out and continue having a social life please haha. I mean I went to Omeed's last night, but I was so tired... I was so right about "Grace and Grit." It is so incredible. I almost feel like I am there with them sometimes, and wasn't I? I don't remember it, but I am not my memories. The Seer is timeless and isn't that truly what I Am? Behind all of those evolving layers; the unmoving Center. I was just as much Present when they were going through that as I was the time my young self fell off that rock onto that log right above that rushing river haha.

I get to go to the dog park now. I may write more later.

woah grizzly man, woah.

hmmm... It's so understandable. Both his perspective and the perspective of the narrator... But not whole...always full and lacking. Same with my perspective. It is not whole. It is only a part, but I'd say considerably more whole considering how I feel about living and how both of them feel(felt) about living. hmmm...those same old questions come up. how can I help them? What can I do? Not those particular people, but people like them...and there are SOO many haha. I remember though that there are no questions about it. I will do what I do and everyone(including myself) will be helped in that process. well...it's been a semi-rough couple of days... I don't even know if that's accurate. I can't really describe the past couple of days. Not good, not bad. I've been sick. On my own most of the time. meh. It's been nice. Today was nice too! But I played drums for a while and I kind of over did it. I thought I had more energy than I did and I've been exhausted ever since I stopped playing. Totally worth it of course! I guess they have been good days, but that doesn't matter. I'll just call them days. They've been day-like days, which is always incredible haha. But incredible doesn't even scratch the surface of the actual essence of days. So I'll just be quiet haha. Being quiet is an interesting thing... hahaha

sick sick sick...hmmmm. Not so clear today. Not so clear. But it's all good hehe. I like watching. I like being the Witness. I detach from my bodymind and even my soul sometimes and then I watch the events unfold in the most beautiful ways and sometimes I become the unfolding events. I watch the illness progress; I AM the illness. I watch the feelings rise up out of nothingness and then trickle back down; I AM the feelings. I Witness letting go; I AM the letting go. The whole process is funny because it's not really a process haha. But I can still observe that too. I observed the process I went through before letting go, it was quite fun and miserable at the same time haha, especially with this darned sinus infection; I AM this darned sinus infection! But fun nonetheless.

It's all fun really. I mean...well I can't explain it. I can't tell you why it is indeed fun and most of you won't believe me. "How could it be fun!? If you are suffering or experiencing discomfort? How could that be fun at all?!" I doubt it is only something I can do. I doubt that greatly. You can do whatever I can do. We are slightly different in our mannerisms and preferences (our souls are so wonderfully unique), but virtually we are the same. We have the same capabilities in regards to advancing our psychological and spiritual evolution. And I feel that seeing life as fun is an important quality. Things that are interesting can be seen as fun. Discomfort and or suffering are always interesting. There are so many dynamics involved. So many layers to see through and work through and eventually let go. It is very interesting if you are directly involved in your experience. If you are living fully through the discomfort then it is much more fun than if you still feel you are the victim. And it could get even better if you become the discomfort. I AM the discomfort, oh well in that case it's a beautiful thing haha. "Oh why did this happen to me!?" naw dawg, naw. It happened because it happened, the why is not that important, although it can provide some insight into yourself perhaps... But the fact that it happened is inescapable, so you can fight it all you want, but that won't change reality.

If you could choose between fighting what has happened and deeply accepting it and seeing it as fun what would you choose? You can choose! I AM what happened. It is of course a balance. You must balance the Being and Doing, the feminine and masculine, the acceptance and the action. Females are inherently wired to Be in the moment, caring, gentle whereas males are wired to Do; to take dramatic action to make things "better." Society trains us to think that "Doing" is more valuable than "Being" and that is one of the ideas that creates sexism. But no, Being is such a beautiful thing, it is just as beautiful as Doing! They are equal in value in every way. Acceptance is necessary to relax, to be calm and non-violent. To reflect on the current state of things and to feel good about what's going on. And then Action is necessary to continue with the progression. The balance is important because first we need acceptance. That is key. We need the absence of judgment and a feeling of peace about where the human species presently resides. But then we need to take action to improve our condition. So it is a dichotomous balancing that is going on....but I suppose most balancing is dichotomous. Taking too forces that are seemingly in opposition to each other and balancing them. They are two sides of the same coin. Heads and Tails are in direct opposition, but it takes a balanced amount of both to make the whole coin.

So anyway...before I went off on a tangent I was talking about seeing life as fun. All aspects of life. And if you're too serious then when I say, "Well, the deaths of all of those soldiers were unfortunate, but sort of necessary." then you will say "a hang nail is unfortunate" in that sarcastic, angry tone that you have haha. Life and Death are just like Masculinity and Femininity, they are two sides of the same coin. Love and Hate. etc. Although for love and hate...well never mind...haha. He is right... "You have love in your heart? Wake up people!" Stuck in duality there is suffering. The nondual Witness is .

The nondual is Love and Hate, Feminine and Masculine, calm and anxious. It is all forces that are seemingly opposed to each other, but in reality they are not. They all work together in a ridiculously incredible symphony. a little hate there, a little love here and it influences life in this way and that; influences evolution in this way and that. fucking crazy!

But when he says, "You have love in your heart? Wake up people!" He is talking about the normal concept of love. The way people generally view love. There is love and there is hate. I love you, I am loved, I am unlovable, etc. That type is the one he is talking about. But it could be said, "I have Love in my heart" and he would agree. He knows the Love that is nondual. He is referring to the dual love not the nondual Love.

This became much longer than I had intended. I guess I didn't really intend for anything...

Being gentle is such an important part of practicing. There are so many times during practice where if you are not gentle then you will be hard on yourself and it will hurt your practice. But it's not serious enough to be angry about it. It's all fun! So my Self reaches out a gentle helping hand to myself and says "no worries bra. Love. I AM."

"A couple of times while walking across a field, I came upon an irrigation ditch in the high weeds and grasses, and jumping across only found a hole, and fell down like someone had unexpectedly tackled me. And yesterday, I was bending some metal in a big dumpster on the horse ranch, and slipped and crashed into its metal side doing some contortion a yogi would be proud of. And each time I fell, I would look around in hopes that no one saw me. Past conditioning. Stupid conditioning. I should be proud of falling; not ashamed. I am proud of falling."

FALL! keep falling! In each instance you will become better at not falling in that particular spot. So fall more! Fall everywhere! It is all fun.

when I am actively engaged in living, be it studying or out on a walk or whatever I do not worry so much. I tend to just let go and live fully. This is good to remember on those days when I wake up worrying hehe...like today. I feel much more okay with how I feel now because I've been actively engaged in living for the past few hours. Just studying. But I enjoy the subject so I remain into it. good stuff! And from this perspective I see how it is not so serious. Wrapped up in it the situation appears much more serious than it is. laughter helps too. If you can laugh at the "problem" then it is less of a problem and more of a certain texture of life, a certain energy that life takes. Like the weather. Sometimes water comes as a calm fog, a light rain...and sometimes it pours, it is a hurricane. Sometimes the earth is still and sometimes the plates collide and there is a massive upheaval of land. We tend so much to prefer convenience to inconvenience; comfort to discomfort, that we turn that discomfort into suffering by trying to deny it, avoid it or run from it. Situations....They're all just different energies of life, that same energy that makes up you, but in a different form. Not better or worse necessarily. Not if approached from a gentle and loving perspective. and I really do love it all.

as it so often happens, i can't think of anything to say, but I feel like saying something. I feel like hugs are in order. I could really use a good hug. It isn't easy, but did I think it would be? nope... I'm not sure what direction to move in, I feel stifled by this sinus infection... I am stuck in my home. I don't have enough energy to do much. So I sit around all day. I try to get up occasionally to do something, but for the most part I'm just sitting around. And sometimes I'm resting, but other times I just feel wrapped up in thought. Not the good kind of thought either. Not the kind of thought that takes me somewhere, but the cyclical kind. The kind that repeats over and over again with no end in sight. That kind of thought is not actually just a thought. It is a worry. Why am I worrying about it? There is nothing I can do.

I fear that I will not find something as beautiful as that. But I seem to forget that there are many types of beauty. And it may not be the same type of beauty to the same extent, but it could be a different type of beauty. I take some steps forward and then some steps back, but at least I'm always moving forward in general.

I am struggling to let this go. It's okay, it happens. Just feel it. I'll attempt to bring those feelings closer to my heart and at some point I'll move through it. Part of me doesn't want to let go of it. Maybe I have some hope that is not based in reality that something would change and it would work out. But I know it is not real. I guess it upsets me more how upset I am about it still. I suppose I feel that I am supposed to be better at getting through this; that I'm supposed to be above it for some reason. But I'm not. I am human. I am sick and I am sad and that is okay. I'd love to talk about it, but I'll have to wait until I'm not sick. embrace the sadness, it is okay.

sometimes I want to go back into those moments that I have safely kept away in my memory and I want to stay there forever. But I know what happens when people try to do that. I see it all around me. And my center, the core of me, does not really want to do that anyway. I want to live completely! and trying to live in memories isn't really being alive. I suppose I've said all I can about it and now I will say no more for the most part. I'll only say something if I need to, but if I say anymore now I feel I will be repeating myself; I will be trying to live in those incredibly beautiful memories...so I will keep walking and I'll let the future be what the future will be and I'll let the present be what the present is. Life, I know you will surprise me because you always do and it is always perfect and wonderful...so you just do your thing, and I'll do mine. =)

yes! she's right, if you can get yourself to stand back up and keep walking then acceptance happens and letting go happens. hungrryyyyy.

I don't know what to do. I find myself wishing....which isn't something I normally do. It's strange how hard those feelings hit me yesterday, and it persists. There was a good two or three week break and then they came back as strong as before. Interesting.... I feel that I have no one to talk to, even though I probably do. But if I talk to them what will I say? I really just want to feel comforted and just cuddle. But that is not a possibility right now. So I am stuck in the in between for now. I don't want to wish for what cannot be. I don't want to cling to it.

"you find yourself lying in the ocean with your face in the sand....[but]you stand up and you keep walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while you'll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller."

I'll just stand up and keep walking...

i feel very sad right now. breathe it in. feeeel it. and let it go. deep sadness can open the heart if you don't fight it.

I cannot begin to explain what I am feeling or thinking...so I'll just write and see what happens. I felt okay most of the day...distant, but okay. The distance is because of the sinus pressure. It makes me feel delirious. And when I'm delirious it is difficult to have the insight about my feelings and thoughts that I normally have. I suppose that is one thing that sinus infections are here to teach me. Not to cling to clarity. Sometimes murkiness is okay. Sometimes messiness is okay. Not knowing is okay. I like what Pema Chodron said about being a refugee. She said when one becomes a buddhist, one becomes a refugee. I am not a buddhist. But what she means is when one becomes a practitioner. When one aims to not cling. We become refugees. "You've left shore, but you haven't arrived anywhere yet. You don't know where you're going, and you've been out there at sea long enough that you only have a vague memory of where you came from. You've left home, you've become homeless, you long to go back, but there's no way to go back. That's called the bardo, in-between."

That really resonated with me. I feel it is the uncertainty. When I am centered I do not want to know where I am going, but there is a part of me, somewhere on the surface, that is scared and wants to seek comfort, wants to become cozy, back at home. But like she said, "you've been out there at sea long enough that you only have a vague memory of where you came from...you long to go back, but there's no way to go back." That is how I feel. I vaguely remember how I felt back at the beginning of high school. I felt cozy. I thought that I knew where I was going and I felt secure in my ignorance. Now I do not feel that I am ignorant for the most part. I feel like I have jumped into the void so to speak. Sean always used to talk about the void. The emptiness. Essentially, from an eastern perspective, the mind is emptiness. Thoughts arise in the mind but they are not the mind. The mind is consciousness so that means that consciousness itself is empty. It is the space where experiences occur. We are a mesh of constantly changing energies on the outside, but within we are full of emptiness. And that emptiness is the observer. It is still and kind. It is inherently full of love. So jumping into the void just means jumping into being fully alive. Jumping into a state of being where worry does not control you and warp your perception. A state where inside you are still. You are the formless form observing life unfold within you and without you. You become the Witness. But it is as the Witness that we are the most vulnerable.

I realize how easily I let myself fall in love. I don't know when I decided that I would not be careful about it, but at some point I decided that. I think that was around the time when I jumped. Of course we are continually jumping. It is a constant practice...I suppose it's more like, I have already jumped and now I am committed to the void, but I am still young and of course there are still worries and pathologies that sometimes coerce me into trying to grab on to something, but there is nothing in the void to grab onto. So it can be very frightening. I know it will become less frightening as time goes on and as my practice evolves. Anyway, when it comes to love I will not let fear destroy the moment. or I will not let fear make me miss the moment. Not anymore. I missed the moment with Jen. I could have kissed her that night and maybe things in D.C. would have been much different after that. But fear coerced me into missing the moment. And then I got sick. I still fell in love with her however. I still let myself fall in love even though I knew that it probably wouldn't work out 1. because we were only in D.C. for 15 weeks and 2. because I had that 10 week long sinus infection haha. But at the beginning I kept thinking I would get better and then maybe we could spend more time together. But it wasn't meant to be. And it hurt. It was terribly inconvenient...But there is something about inconveniences in life...they challenge you to figure out what to do when you don't know what to do. They humble you. They open your heart. That is true.

This time it hurt much more for obvious reasons. But again in the void we are the most vulnerable that we could possibly be. That is why people outside of the void, people who are ignorant of the voids existence tend to think that we are naive or crazy because we choose to put it all out there. We choose to live fully in every moment and that could mean risking our lives in certain circumstances. That quote in Journey to Ixtlan....Don Juan says, "I have no doubts or remorse. Everything I do is my decision and my responsibility. The simplest thing I do, to take you for a walk in the desert, for instance, may very well mean my death. Death is stalking me. Therefore, I have no room for doubts or remorse. If I have to die as a result of taking you for a walk, then I must die." Very profound words! Don Juan had jumped into the void long before he spoke those words. He understood what it meant to live fully in every moment with no fear in his heart. In the void we are our hearts. To live fully we must shed all of those outer layers and become our hearts. And because of that our hearts are always exposed, always vulnerable. It is very frightening sometimes. But there is no turning back, no going back home. I just started being my heart not too long ago. A few weeks ago, a month and a half ago...something like that. I think I know the exact day that it happened. And since I am entering this new territory it is the most difficult that it will ever be probably. I can't say that for sure, not after what happened to Ken Wilber. That would be the most difficult thing that could possibly happen. I am sure of that. I know there will be difficult things always. Obstacles to move through etc. etc. But right now, when I am new to the void, it is the most terrifying.

I tried going to andrew's birthday party tonight. I felt okay most of the day. There was really heavy traffic on the way there and about halfway there I started feeling really tired and congested. Then I realized how I couldn't get into any of the music that I was listening to...and that's how it had been all day for the most part. I felt so distant this whole week. I got to andrew's and I was so overwhelmed by what I was facing that I did not have the strength to go inside. So I asked him to come out and I wished him happy birthday and told him how I was feeling. And then I turned around and came right back to torrance. On my way home I was searching as hard as I could for a place to go. I didn't want to go to my parents house. Omeed wasn't home. But I didn't want to go there either. I was sure that there was a place where I found comfort before....but I could not think of it. And I still can't. I think I would go somewhere and get high. That was probably what I was thinking of. Which was really awesome sometimes! But a lot of times it was an escape. It was a clinging to comfort. A denial of discomfort. So I just came back to my parents house. And I talked to my mom for a little bit. She does not operate the way that I do. She doesn't think about things the way I do. But she knows that, which really helps when I need someone to talk to. I wasn't sure that I did in fact need someone to talk to, but I guess I did.

I get sinus infections at the most inconvenient times, EVERY TIME! haha. But none of them have been more inconvenient than this one. Which is difficult to believe since the last one lasted for 10 weeks of my 15 week internship in D.C. haha. But no, this one is more inconvenient in terms of what I am going through in my life. In D.C. I had external challenges with the sinus infection. There were of course many internal challenges that I had to get through like not being able to hang out with my friends there that often and living away from home the first time and getting up for work even when I felt miserable and stuff like that. So I could say it was a close second in inconvenience haha. But this one could not have come at a funnier time. haha. By funnier I mean more inconvenient. It is funny though, always. I suppose it is because this is a time when I am really clinging to clarity. I feel that I need clarity to get through each day. Because these feelings and thoughts come up about me and about you and when I have clarity it is all okay and I move through it. But when there is no clarity then I just feel lost in a chaotic world so to speak and I crumble under what I am facing. Which is good! In order to cultivate a fearless heart we must come up against "our edge." It's like climbing a mountain. We start off in a big group but as we get higher up the path gets skinnier, the air gets thinner, and the temperature drops. At the beginning of the path, we are not more than 50 feet off the ground, but a couple of people look down and they crumble. They have met their edge, so they go back down, there is no judgment about it, they just go back down and next time they climb the path they will be able to go further. And it keeps going like that. Eventually someone can make it to the top because they have pushed their edge so much that they are now fearless for the most part. So this evening, I came up against my edge. Whatever it was I cannot exactly put my finger on it...probably because it was way more than one factor. But it was feeling lost, weak, tired, congested, rejected, clingy, and scared all together after everything that's happened this week, this month, these past few months...and I fell on my face. But now I will get up and keep going and my edge will be that much farther up the path. It humbles you. It opens your heart.

oh wow.

what an incredible story! I cannot wait to get that book. how that must have felt! wow. no wonder. wow.

I should probably be asleep right now. maybe I won't be sick tomorrow. maybe I will be. It does not matter in the slightest. well just a tiny bit for practical reasons haha.

wow.

oh wow.

what an incredible story! I cannot wait to get that book. how that must have felt! wow. no wonder. wow.

I should probably be asleep right now. maybe I won't be sick tomorrow. maybe I will be. It does not matter in the slightest. well just a tiny bit for practical reasons haha.

I would like to make tomorrow a better day by fully accepting how I feel. sounds good! I'll do that now! Well, that's a little better... there's this feeling that I seem to really get in touch with when I have a sinus infection. It is that feeling of being alone. Because, for the most part, I don't have any desire to talk to anyone on the phone or hang out with anyone when I feel like this. And if I don't go to school or work then I am completely alone. My family is around I suppose... but I am still alone. I did go to work for a few hours today. I'm going to go to work and school tomorrow most likely. Anyway, I've learned to love being alone. It is not lonely most of the time and after a while it gets really funny! hahaha. When I was in D.C. I was even more alone than I am now...in the sense that I was on the other side of the country. The only person I had when I first got there was Von. I tried being friends with this one group of people on the first day. The other girl from dominguez was hanging out with these people and they all seemed pretty nice so I started following them around. I think I hung out with them that first weekend and we got drunk and took the metro somewhere and walked around. It was cool and I had fun, but I guess they didn't agree haha. They just never called me back after that. So I was alone again. At first it was not so easy. But thank god Von was there. When we were done hanging out that first time I think she said "if you need someone to hang out with next weekend just give me a call!" And I felt like I was on the verge of tears and I said, "I need someone to hang out with every weekend. I'm not joking, thank you so much." haha. It was difficult being on my own the first time. Then I met Jen and Ariel and I love them so much! If I hadn't been sick for so long I would have loved to spend more time with them. I spent a good amount of time with Ariel, but Jen didn't live in my building so it was more difficult. I was disappointed with myself because when the moment came I thought about it too much and I didn't act. I didn't have the confidence to act in the moment then. And then I got sick. After a while I moved so deeply into being alone it was quite amazing. I still tried to hang out with Von as much as possible on Sundays and I tried to hang out with Ariel whenever I could, but a lot of the time I was just not feeling well enough and I had that 90 page portfolio to work on and the class to go to and the ol' 9-5 haha.

So I was alone. I really became friends with myself. I really began to enjoy my own company. I had to! or else I would have "shot myself in the face" like Rich said haha. I think I was already in that process before I went to D.C., but being that sick for so long really threw me into myself. oh, I just got really tired...I mean I was already really tired, but I was pretty into writing this until a few seconds ago haha. goodnight

still sick. no sleep. Today was difficult... open up, let it all in. embrace it. let it all out. I love you me, take it easy okay? it's not so serious.